Release
by Elementalist
Summary: Ed loves Roy but thinks he's just using him as a tool for his release. Ironically, Roy is in love with Ed but to embarrassed too say anything. So, for now, they leave their desires in the depths of their minds. Discontinued
1. Chapter 1

**Release**

Edward was known for hiding his emotions from others, not wanting to burden anyone with his problems. But right now, it was all that he could do to keep them tucked in the deepest, darkest depths of his mind.

He felt like shrieking Roy's name in the heated passion he was in now. To tell Roy to fuck him harder, but he didn't. He didn't want to sound like he actually wanted Roy, hell, Roy was the one using him for release. That's all it was about, the satisfactory of the release. But even as he lost himself all over the older man in a sticky, white mess, did he want to be away from his scolding kisses and tingling touches he laced his body with.

How many times had he found himself in this same situation? More then once, I can assure you, and yet, every time he realized that he loved this man, he denied it. Left the idea in one of the shadowed corners of his mind to remained hidden. That never worked, for it always found a way to surface in one of these heated situations.  
Sweat dripped off his face as Roy leaned forward and furthered himself inside him. It hurt like hell, but the pulsating feeling in him ignited pleasure, that overthrew the pain. Edward opened his mouth in a silent scream as Roy found the right angle, making the pleasure almost overwhelming.

Roy placed a kiss on those parted lips and raped the inside of his sweet mouth greedily. God, why did Ed taste so damn good? Roy was embarrassed to find that he actually wanted more of Ed. He wanted to hear him scream out his name asking for more...but the odds of that happening were slim. Edward was not one to do those kind of things, no matter who the person was or the such.

But, it sort of hurt, too. Roy...was in love with Edward...but could never tell him how he felt. It would be just plain out embarrassing, a middle aged Colonel in love with a sixteen year old state alchemist. And who's to say Ed would love him in the same way? Roy sighed, breaking the intense kiss.

Soon, Roy reached his climax and pulled out of the boy. He climbed off of top of him and proceeded in cleaning himself up. No one was to know about their secret meetings and so they had to be short and sweet, but sometimes both of them wished it would last longer. Not that they would actually say anything about it. Before leaving, Roy turned to Ed one last time, smirking.  
"You were great…for a pipsqueak, that is"

Ed snorted, " Yeah, the same goes for you, you shitty colonel"

Surly, there would be a day when they would realize that they loved each other, but as for now, the idea was left in the dark.

( /blushes/ Yes...I can't believe I wrote it either, but...hey it's 3:30 in the morning and I was bored, so sue me. But if you think it's good, review and maybe I'll make it more then a oneshot! If not, hey...more time to right other things, like /shrugs/ I dunno, anything I guess. /waves/ Well...you're probably sick of me talkin' so...I guess I'll leave. /waves again/ G-night!  
Ele.)


	2. Gun to the head

Chapter 2--Gun to the head

Ed had awoken groggy and grumpy that morning, and the fact that the colonel had been there the night before didn't help him much. He glanced at the clock...or where the clock would've been if it hadn't been knocked on the floor sometime during the night. Ed grumbled to himself as he crawled to the side of the bed, looking over the edge with grimace. The clock was broken.

Gears, screws, glass and other various smaller parts littered the wooden floor. Not that that helped anything, for now he had yet another mess to clean up. And it was all that damned colonels' fault. The next time he saw him, he was gonna...he was gonna.

Ed clutched a near-by pillow to his chest, squeezing it securely and burring his head into it. He took a deep breath and was pleased to find that--beyond the stench of sex--Roy's scent still lingered. Ed was embarrassed to find that he sort-of wanted Roy back in his room, shirtless, looming over his smaller frame.

Edward closed his eyes, fantasising. If he couldn't help the way he felt about him, then why did he feel so damn stupid when he thought about him? Ed shook his head--which was still on the pillow--and grumbled. Man, wasn't he a pathetic sight to see? Ed mumbled a 'yes' to the thought, not really knowing that he had done so.  
Time passed, not a lot, but without the presence of a clock or watch, there was no way to know how long he had sat there intoxicated with that same, faint scent. But it must have just long enough to worry his brother, who now stood outside his locked door, rasping on it's polished surface.

"Brother?" more knocking, "Are you awake?"

Ed looked up from his comfortable sanctuary, and tucked a lock of golden hair behind his ear. He glanced wearily around the room, and realized how much of a mess it was in. Blankets--aside the one that was wrapped around his waist--were sprawled on the floor, along with...one, two...four pillows. The sheets that were on the bed had been torn off and bundled into a ball and was tossed into the far corner--sleeping in the same sheets he and Mustang fucked in, made him quite uncomfortable. Besides all that, there was that stupid clock.

"Yeah, Al. I'm awake," Ed yawned, "Whydya ask?"

There was a pause from the other side of the door, which made Ed worry. 'Shit...did he find out?'

"The colonel's here to see you, brother."

Ed froze. Did Al just say the colonel was here to see...him? That could only mean one thing...he was here to...to...to...Ed shook his head. Damnit, he hadn't even got up and gotten dressed and he was back to torture him. That was it...he couldn't take it anymore... That stupid bastard was using him as a goddamn fuck toy. It was all to much on him.

Ed pulled open the side tables door--the same table in which the clock was supposed to be sitting on. He glanced at all it contained; a few pens, a comb, and a small black box. Ed picked up the box and sat it on his lap, turning towards the door when Al spoke again.

"Brother? What are you doing", Al knocked again, "Didn't you hear me? The colonel's here to see you. He's in the living room, waiting."

Ed looked away from the door and back to the box. What it contained would settle everyone's' problems...namely, his own.

"I'll be there in a second, kay, Al?"

He heard the armor nod and walk down the hall. This would be his only opportunity. He had to end this...and now. He couldn't live with Roy...couldn't love Roy if he kept using him like he was.

"A goddamn fuck toy...that's all I am to him."

Ed opened the black box, slowly and took out what was inside it. A gun. Yep, a fully-loaded gun...that was prepared to shoot at a mere pull of the trigger. Ed put the barrel of the gun at his left temple.

"A fucking fuck toy...used by the one I love...heh...How damn stupid can I be?"

-

Roy felt...awkward standing in the Elric's apartment. It wasn't like it was the first time he had been here--it was just the first time he came here...with a bouquet of flowers. Yes, flowers for his dear Edward. He didn't understand it either...he just woke up and had the overwhelming feeling that if he didn't tell Ed that he loved him..something would happen to him. Ed, not he, himself.

So that was the reason for his sudden appearance. But what in the hell was Fullmetal taking so long? It wasn't like him...Roy blushed when a sudden thought occurred to him. Maybe he had worn him out last night.  
Roy was about to go into detail with his kinky vision when he had enough. If Fullmetal wasn't going to come to him, he was going to go to Fullmetal.

Roy stood up and walked to that all to familiar door. The stench of sex radiated out of it...Roy sighed, thank god Al didn't have a sense of smell...or they'd be done for. Roy turned the door knob, and was annoyed to find that it was locked.

"Damnit, Fullmetal..." Roy easily undid the lock and flung open the door. "What's taking you so long Fullme--"

Roy took a step back, the shock of seeing his lover with a gun to his head overwhelming him. Roy felt the sting of tears as he forced his voice to steady out and his face to remain emotionless. Something that, at the moment, was a hard task to complete.

"Edward..." was all he managed to choke out, the lump in his throat growing rapidly. He turned to the sound of his name, making Roy take a few steps backward in an attempt to flee that look. A look twisted out of horror and pain so undesirable that it was haunting.

"Say...good-bye to your...goddamned fuck toy..." the youth said, crocking out the words in a cold, callous tone.

Roy shook his head in disbelief. No, this wasn't the Ed he knew, the Ed he loved. This...this was all just a dream, a shitty nightmare composed from one of the many horror novels he had picked up and read. What had he done to him? What in the hell did he do to make him become so...suicidal?

_'No, Mustang, he is suicidal. If you don't do anything, and fast, Ed'll be...'_

Roy shook his head. No, he wasn't going to think about that...he couldn't, his heart couldn't take it if he was to die--especially, right in front of him. Roy rose to his feet, unsteadily--his legs were shaking violently.

He opened his mouth to say something; a plea, an apology, anything...but all that was permitted to leave the boundaries of his throat was a small squeak. No...this couldn't be happening...it just couldn't. He ran, yes, Roy ran to Edward...just as he was about to pull the trigger.

"ED! Stop! DON'T SHOOT, PLEASE!"

There was a slight pause when Roy grabbed Ed's arm--the one that held the gun level with his temple--and attempted to tear the gun from his grip to throw it.

"I LOVE YOU!"

-

Al turned as he heard what sounded like a gun firing twice. The sound echoed eerily down the hall, growling like ravenous beasts tearing into the bloody flesh of the kill. Al jolted towards his brothers room. How...what had happened?

"No...no! Brother! Colonel!"

The two bodies lay on the same bed, entwined and bloody. It was hard to tell which got shot...in fact, Al couldn't tell. Both their faces were twisted with pain...and something that looked peaceful somehow. Hunks of flesh littered the bed as well as the floor. Blood had sprayed on the headboard in a delicate pattern, each little droplet glistened with a devilish luster. The bed, itself, was surrounded in a shallow sea of the crimson liquid.

XxX

(Okay me peeps, finally the second chappy is up! Sorry to leave ya hangin' there, but more is soon to come! --smiles-- I promise! --waves-- please review! the more reviews, the faster I update!  
'As I look into the sea of crimson, I realize how much I truly love you...'--somethin' I worte to go with the end of the story...well...this is what inspired me to write the end like this...anyways, peace!  
Ele.)


	3. WhereWhy?

The overcast lights brunt steadily into his retina, sending a blinding pain to his head. He tried to glance about the room, so he could get the slightest idea where he was, even though he knew where he was already; it was a bit obvious. I'm in a hospital, he thought somewhat calmly. Sure, he couldn't remember why he was here…or why every time he took in even the tiniest bit of air, his stomach would burn like the fire he controlled. Other than that, he was fine--he supposed.

Roy didn't know how long he laid there, trying to remember what had happened to him, when the door on the other side of the room clicked softly and opened. Two men walked in with long, white coats that trailed to the ground. Their faces were twisted with concern as they spoke it harsh, low mumbles that were barely caught by his ears.

"Such a sad and terrible accident…" One of them said. His hair was brown and a bit ruffled, most likely because he ran his fingers through it constantly, like he was now.

"Yes…Luckily one made it through." This one had black hair and was the older looking of the two.

"The other one's…."

"No…it's just he turned out in worse shape then this one."

"Is he going to be alright?…For his sake…" The brown haired one pointed at Roy.

When the other man didn't reply, Roy found himself sent back to what could have been an hour ago…or perhaps three days. Time had no meaning…all that mattered was that he remembered what had happened to him…_Edward…_

_The gun shot twice, one of the bullets embedding itself in the pit of his stomach. The other…he didn't know. Somewhere in Edward, he knew that much. The screams of pain he heard were not of his own…horrid screeches, then…nothing. A dead silence…and at for a moment he thought that he had actually gone deaf._

_Warmth. A warm liquid of some sort…pooling and damping the area of his lower abdomen. He thought that he had pissed his pants but when he look down, he was startled to find the crimson stains--glossy and ill looking…it reminded him of the massacre. That's when Edward fell forward on top of him, bleeding heavily as well. Eyes half-lidded in pain, face twisted in grimace. _

He didn't know much more than that…his memory was wispy and blurred. It was hard to tell if it was a dream or not--which is what he hoped--but with each pain-filled breath, he realized that it was no dream, no fantasy induced by too much caffeine…it was real…which meant…

_Edward…Ed is in another room….dying….and it's all because of me….it's all my damned fault. _

(Yeah…short…but…at least it's another chappy, ney? Hope you like it! More is soon to come…like maybe even tomorrow! I have a lot of free time…specially when I stay up till 4 in the morning on weekends… I promise the next chappy will be longer, kay/taps head/ I've got it all planned out, which could be a bad thing or a good thing. /smiles/ by now, ya'll should know I'm very morbid and I love--LOVE--sad endings…maybe this'll be how it turns out, maybe not…you'll just havta wait and see!

Ele.! reviews will be awesome. 'Member, the more I get the, faster the updates!)


	4. When all is bitter more than sweet

For the next four days, Roy laid there in that same bed, covered by the same crisp, white sheets. Every now and then, a nurse would come in and check on him or change his sheets--basic nurse stuff--then leave without a spoken word. Which was fine by him, since he didn't want to talk to anyone anyways. Well, except Edward.

It was frustrating, yes, for the paramedics wouldn't allow him to leave the four-walled boundary of his room. He tried begging and pleading for them to allow him to leave…but it was a no go. The reason: He wasn't yet prepared to see what happened to Ed.

"Bullshit!" He yelled at one of them--the brown-haired one, Dr. White. "You don't know anything! You don't think I could take it if I saw him now! Well, let me tell you, I saw the look on his face before he pulled that trigger. And I'm still here…let me see him, I _need_ to see him. Please…"

He shook his head, skimming through some papers that were clipped to a clipboard. "You're _barely _here. True, you are improving in your condition. But you are still far from going anywhere anytime soon. Besides…" He dropped the clipboard on a nearby table, clearly done looking at what he needed to see. "I could only imagine what went through _his _mind when your stomach was gorged open before his eyes, and it was all his fault. He's probably suffering mental much more now…for each day he has to live with knowing _he shot you_ and he _almost killed you, too_. Now, can you tell me that if it was you in his shoes, would you be wanting to see the one you shot?"

He had a point, goddamnit. He wouldn't want to see anyone if the same thing that Edward was going through…had happened to him. He didn't dare say anything to that stupid doctor though, damn bastard probably stayed up all night to think of that comeback, just so he could see him stutter or get angry. He had forgotten how much he truly hated hospitals…and the people who worked in them.

Sighing, he turned onto his side, ignoring the flaming pain it caused him. He could almost see the smirk--one that mocked in comparison to his own--that the brown-haired physician flashed in triumph before turning on his heel and walking out of the room. And even _after _he left, Roy found that damn grin still there, floating just at level with his closed eyes. The floating lips seemed to move--as if talking--after a while, chanting unheard words.

'_You are not prepared to see what happened to him….You'll NEVER be prepared…'_ They lipped over and over and over and _over _again--never fading from his sight. Even as he tried to get at least a hour of sleep, he found those lips still there--haunting him with the truth.

'_Never….never….never…'_

--

He awoke early the next morning tried and drained. He had gotten no sleep for he was tossing and turning in a never-ending nightmare. Blinking, he realized that the sun wasn't up and he wondered exactly what time it was. He glanced about the room for a clock, remembered that there wasn't one in the room and groped for his pocket watch. After finally finding it, he flicked it open and squinted to try and see the hands better in the dim, flickering light of the one overhead bulb.

_2:49.58_

He squinted again, then blinked and rubbed his eyes. No way, he thought, it couldn't be only 2:49 in the morning. He looked again, his eyes almost tightly shut.

_2:50.10_

He sighed and flung the watch down. Goddammit all…he had only gotten two hours of sleep….He sighed again and sat up, his stomach smarting him bitterly for it. Roy bit his lip as he swung his legs over the bedside, placing his bare feet on the cool, --most likely-- cheap tiled floor. If he was up this early, he'd better take advantage of his luck. He stood and shuffled to the door, grunting in pain with every four or five steps.

Placing his hand on the doorknob, he smirked. No way a damned doctor was going to stop him now. Well, at least that was what he hoped. Quietly, he turned the knob and opened the door, taking a few glances left and right to make sure no one was there. There wasn't and he smiled. Finally, after four long days and five long nights, he just might be able to see Edward again to apologize. With that, he took one last look before he stepped out the door and down the hall…to find what he was afraid he might lose.

_Edward…_

(YES! I finally finished Chappy 4! Praise me /waves hand/ Just kidding, but I DO hope you enjoyed this chappy as much as the others. Chappy 5 might take a bit…for I have a bunch of crap to do for school…/sighs/ I HATE DEBATE /slams head onto desk/ Anyways…./thinks/ OH YEAH! Thank you for the reviews, my beautiful reviewers! I love thee so /claps/ Cookies and pudding for all of you! But…/sighs/ is there anything else…./thinks again/….don't think so. Please review /smiles/ Byea!

Ele.)


	5. Eh?

_3:10.09_

His watch now read and he sighed. Damn, he thought, a lot could happen to a guy in a mere twenty minutes. He slumped to the pea-green and red tiled floor, clutching to his side. His breaths came in gasping gulps as he tried to force down the growing fire. With his head titled back, Roy stared at the fluorescent lights, taking note that it flickered every some-odd moments.

At last, his breathing regulated and he stood to his feet, the tile still a bit to cool for his liking against the bare of his foot. He sighed again as he stared at the pale, gray door in front of him. The door itself was made of a cheap steel, maybe iron or some bi-product constructed by accident in a lab off in the west. He didn't know, and he didn't care. All that mattered was the file that was in the clear plastic holding container, located at the top of the door--around his eye-level.

A few moments ago, this same file was in his hands as he flipped through it, skimming at the papers inside. _Edward Elric:--_it said on the first page in big, black letters, followed by his date of birth and other personal stuff like that-- _Suicide attempt. Condition as of late:………_

Roy had shut the folder at that part, to afraid to read on. He wanted to see with his own eyes….not what some doctor put on a piece of paper in a manila folder. He looked at the door, knowing all to well that what was behind it…was what he wanted more than life itself. Taking a shaky breath, he placed an equally shaky hand on the doorknob. After a few moments he realized he wasn't breathing and that he could no longer move. He felt like a child again, standing in front of his closet door….awaiting the boogey-man to jump out from behind the closed door to devour him whole.

But he was no longer a child, he thought to himself as he bit his bottom lip, he was Roy Mustang, hero of the rebellion…and the future Furher. He was NOT a child anymore, and goddamnit, if he was to frightened by what MIGHT lay behind this closed door, then he was a child. One that would always fear the dark and the creatures that _may _lurk with in it's depths.

Images of the war flashed in every corner of his mind, consuming him with yet more fear and doubt. He had been afraid in the war, far more than he would admit. Every turn could've cost him his life. Every step, every breath, every tiniest reflex could've ended his existence. Back then, he didn't know Edward…but he knew his father. Since then, Ed had been the center point of Roy's life…even if he realized it or not at the time.

Still a bit reluctant, Roy turned the doorknob. His heart increased in speed as it beat faster and faster until he was sure that it was going to burst out onto the gaudy floor. He heard the door click softly and knew that there was no turning back…once the door was opened and he saw with his own eyes the damage Edward had been inflicted with…there _was no fleeing. _He would see it through…he had too.

The brass-knob slipped out of his sweaty hand and flung open, making the whole room come into view. It looked pretty much like Roy's did…except the person on the bed.

_Edward….Ed…._

His heart raced faster still as he ran to the bedside, his brow breaking out with a cold sweat. Edward looked so….so…._different. _His face was pale and thin, his body was more bone than muscle now. Dark circles had formed under his eyes in saggy bags. His golden-silk hair was untied from its braid and was now pooled around his head like sun rays. In Edwards' wrist was an IV needle, which ran to a blood bag that hung not far from his bed--the crimson liquid slowly dripped down the tube into his arm…supplying him with the blood he must've lost when he was shot.

Tears appeared in Roy's eyes as his knees buckled and he fell to the tile. "Edward…Edward….what…what happened to you?" His voice was above a whisper, raspy as his throat was conquered by the rising lump of sorrow and fear.

Not knowing what else to do--feeling that it was the only thing he _could _do in his power--Roy, careful of the IV, pulled his lover into his arms as he sobbed.

"I'm sorry, Ed….I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Golden orbs opened as their owner tried to make sense of what was happening. After a moment, it clicked that someone was holding him and his heart sped. He jumped back with a yelp as he stared at the black-haired man in confusion.

"W-what the hell?" He spat, teeth tightly clenched. "In fact, who the hell are you? And….who…am I?"

(Oooooo twisted/ducks/ Don't kill me! If so you'll never know if Edo-kun regains his memory/hides/ Sorry! But I HAD to do it….classic trauma induced amnesia/weeps/ You should be happy I posted so soon! Just kidding….but I hoped you enjoyed this to…and I hope you were shocked at the end/weeps/ Made me cry as I wrote it! Have fun..and review? Please?

Ele.)


	6. Fate's game

"What….." Roy felt his heart skip a beat…then another, then another…and pretty soon, he felt as if it had stopped all together. How…how could Ed not remember? His eyes stung with unshed tears, his vision becoming blurry causing everything to swirl and mix like a water-color portrait. "You….don't remember?"

Ed shook his head, golden hair tossing side to side. "Nope….do I know you?"

Roy stayed silent, knowing that if he said anything…his voice would quake and the tears would fall freely down his cheeks. He covered his eyes with his hand, massaging his temples lightly as the stress boiled into a faint, yet steady ache. How in the hell could he possibly live without Ed…and how could he tell him that?

The blonde blinked, confusion dancing in his amber eyes like a fire in a dark, shadow consumed hearth. He sat there, legs tucked under him, brain racing as he tried to remember him…or anything for that matter. There was something there…something he could almost reach, but when he tried to venture past that veiled door of fear, of the unknown, he became dizzy and nauseous. He held his hand to his face to wipe the cold sweat that had formed, and was startled at the ice-cold metal he felt against his fevered flesh.

"W-what….the hell?" Images of a body flashed in his mind, surfacing a painful truth. Automail, he thought with grimace, I tried to bring back my mother…and lost my leg and arm--almost my brother-- in the process. Golden eyes widened as he remembered two names paired with two other pictures--one of a suit of sleek, gray armor the other, of a cheery, bouncy, blue-eyed blonde with…a wrench in her right hand.

_Alphonse…Winry. _

"Ed…?" The black haired man asked, his worry clearly flowing both out of his eyes and his voice. He looked at him, fear overshadowing the confusion that his eyes held not a few seconds ago. He had went to far into the veil, horrific memories flooded his mind, sending tears to the corners of his eyes and a hollow guilt to the pit of his churning stomach.

_Human transmutation…a taboo by all means. Those who try to bring back the dead, in turn die themselves…or are left with scars that will never heal. Complete damnation for wondering into God's territory. Into the Truth…_

The man had his hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly. "Ed?" He asked again, the worry still there, a bit different this time for fear had also surfaced within him, too. The blonde shook his head, snapping out of his thoughts. He didn't remember anymore…he wanted to remain in the state of unknowing, in the dark. He didn't want to remember anymore.

"ED!"

The way he said that name, it rung through his head and another memory surfaced. It was of this man…Roy, was it? He was calling to him like now, screaming his name in hopes to….save him? To…make him turn his way? Ed sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them again to look at the floor.

"Yeah…? And why do you keep on callin' me 'Ed'? Is that….is that my name?"

The was a slight pause, the air around them turned stale with Edward's ingenuous view of the matter. It was to be expected…he had forgotten everything.

"You….you really….don't remember…do…you?"

He didn't know how to answer that without either hurting himself of this man, for it was apparent that he knew him and cared deeply for him. A deep love, a strong bond like he had known him for quite some time and considered him like a son…or a close friend. He doubted it was closer than friend, but at that thought he felt his hear speed up. Did this black haired man with cold obsidian eyes love him?

Amber irises scanned his face in question. No more memories appeared. His head pounded with pain. He had done it again…he tried to remember more. This man…who the hell was he?

_No! I don't want to remember anymore! Every time I try to remember something about this man…I feel ill….What's that? Screaming? The screaming…the screaming…What's he saying? 'No! Ed, NO! I LOVE YOU!' What the hell! Who the hell is screaming! Make it stop…someone, anyone. MAKE IT STOP!_

"Get out! Get out, get out, get out! GET OUT!"

"Ed? What's the matter!" The man was clutching both of his shoulders now.

"I said GET OUT! GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT**_GETOUT_**!" He shirked, so loud that his throat began to burn.

Roy knew that he didn't have much longer, for a nurse or one of those stupid doctors--did they EVER go home?--would've already heard Ed's screaming. Damnit, he thought as he tried to whisper soothing nothingness to him, those same two doctors were back, standing in the doorway, looking at him with sad eyes.

"We told you that you wouldn't be yet prepared," the black-haired one sighed, whose name was still unknown to Roy, " but, that didn't stop you, did it? Now, back to your room. We have to tend to him now."

"Tend to him? What the hell do you mean!"

The brown-haired one was the one to speak up and explain. "His gun-shot wound has reopened due to the screaming. He's bleeding heavily now."

Dr. White--at least, that's what Roy recalled his name being--took off the austere hospital gown so the tainted red bandages showed. They were wound around his chest, and the blood had formed around his heart. The place where the bullet had tore through his flesh, and embedded itself. Right above his heart.

That's all he saw before being pulled away and taken to his room. Roy's own heart ached at the sight, and his worry never fully depleted. Soon, the same, to-cheery for his liking, came into view. The black-haired doctor pointed to his bed, and he nodded.

"You are to stay here, understood?"

Roy didn't answer, but instead, sat on his bed and stared at the gaudy tiled floor. How he wished that tile would go away…the colors clashed so badly, that it made his eyes sting. After a moment, he flopped on his back and looked at the ceiling, thinking.

---

Ed sighed as the new bandages were put on. They hurt, as well as that damned ointment shit they applied over it.

"Damnit! Why did the wound havta reopen…"

The clinician sighed as he tightened the bandages, sending a burning pain through Ed's heart and receiving a yelp in protest. "It's what you deserve…after what you made him go through."

"Uhn! Damnit! That hurts! And who? Mustang?"

He nodded silently, finishing his work.

"You know why I did what I did…"

He ran his fingers through his brown hair and sighed again. "Yeah, yeah…you told me…But…this is getting to out of hand, Edward. The poor man's heart broken now! Do you know how worried he was?"

"Yeah…but…I don't want him to get hurt again! So, maybe if he thinks that I don't remember him…he'll eventually forget about everything that happened. And forget that he loves me…I almost killed him…..please don't tell him….please."

The older man sighed again. "I won't, I won't. But…I don't think this is right…you saw how he acted when you told him that you didn't remember…."

Ed turned away, tears shining in his gold eyes. He didn't want to talk about it…he never wanted to talk about it. After the doctor left, Ed rolled onto his side and wept.

"I…I just don't want him to get hurt again…I love him…."

(Ta-da! Um…don't kill me/ducks/ ep/sighs/ Yeah, sorry bout not postin' this up sooner…but…I didn't get a lot of reviews…so I didn't feel like writtin' for a loooooooooooooooooong time. But, tis fall break, so I had a lot of time/points/ see how long it is?….Yeah, I know it might be confusin', but Ed was just ACTING to fool Roy into believing that he had amnesia. Twas better than plan B. Which, you all havta thank _KouenTaisa _for that.

Ya see, plan B. was that Ed was really Envy…but, my friend, _KouenTaisa_ picked plan A.! So thank her! (note: She had no idea what plan A or plan B were….she just picked one) Anyways, please review! Or flame! It's getting cold done here, so flames will be used to light the fire place! Thank you for reading, I'll update before Halloween, I promise! If…I get ten reviews!

Ele.!)


	7. The stars feel the pain, too

The world looked different from up here. Street-lamps where mere blotches of radiating light, and buildings looked like tiny pieces to a game. As a whole, the entire city looked like a game board, the ant-sized people pieces moving about were the players. Or perhaps they were the one's being played. It depends on how you look at it, how you think the city streets looked ten stories below your feet. In the end, you realize it's still a street: Cold, hard and an escape.

At least it was his escape. An escape from the world he no longer wanted to a player of…or a person who was being played. This was he only choice to get away from this hell on earth. Some would laugh at that thought, that the world could really become that bad. Then again, they didn't know the torment the raven-haired man standing above them really had went through, now did they?

The man sighed as he kicked a piece of stone that had somehow managed to detach itself from the building and watched it fall. He waited patiently for the small sound it would make when it made contact with the pavement. After a moment, he did indeed hear it strike something--probably a window pane--then, nothing. Lowering himself down, he sat on the ledge, his feet hanging off the side of the roof.

Zephyrs danced mockingly around him. Some softly crying for the deed he thought he had to do, others kicking up dust and sand that blew into his eyes. The stars, though few in number that cloudy early morning--the sun had not yet rose completely, still just a sliver of bleeding red off in the east--were even laughing at him now, too. It seemed that he was a funny sight to see, all distort with red eyes and a broken heart.

It was so quite and though it might sound cliché, it was too quite. He sighed as he kicked the hospital wall with his foot. The quite was something he didn't enjoy, at all. It was like someone had cut off his ears leaving him straining to understand their motionless faces. He was truly afraid of the silence, frightened that if he was deafened by his own selfish wants and needs the ones around him would be affected. Edward had known this too, before he had forgotten everything that is. Roy had told him one night long ago…before he was locked in the blind silence that had ruined his life.

"_Fullmetal…I-"_

_The blonde shook his head, narrowing his eyes in disdain towards the older man. Roy sighed as his young lover turned onto his side, his back towards him. He didn't say anything in reply, being completely quite and unmoving. _

That was one of the first times Roy had feared this torture. He knew he had done something completely wrong and had hurt Edward in some shape or form, and that he could do nothing to change that because it was liable to happen again. He was liable to fuck everything up.

But Edward was a complex person. He was kind and loving, determined and witty, sometimes even cruel if it was needed to get what he was searching for. He was strong and understanding…basically a bundle of emotions tied together by a thin string of sanity. That night the silence seemed to amplify his memories. The ones he held so dear to his heart played before his dark eyes. And once again, he was given the chance to be happy with the one he loved so much. Even if it was just images and sounds playing before his eyes and in his head. Happiness was something that could come in many shapes and in different ways, his was just found this way. By reliving the some of the past that he wished now were present.

_Deaf. He had gone deaf, he was sure of it. Edward stirred in his restless slumber and he hadn't heard him. Even the soothing breathing of his bedmate was gone unnoticed by his once trained ears._

_Many long nights he had stayed up just to hear Ed's breathing, to make sure that it was even and not quivering with the fear of hellish nightmares that seemed to plague the blonde teen more this month. He still dreamt of the…thing he and Al created that one day long, long ago. Still it caused him pain thanks to those nightmares that replayed his mistake over and over. But now he couldn't hear his breathing, couldn't hear his heart beating through his chest were his head lay. _

'_Oh god…what if I'm not hearing him…because he's…'_

_He couldn't bring himself to think of it. NO, damnit, NO! Edward wasn't dead…he couldn't be. He wouldn't be! He…he was just deeply sleeping--having a good dream for once. That would explain why he couldn't hear his breathes or why he wasn't moving much._

'_But what about his heart beat? What about that!'_

_At this point Roy had sat up and placed a hand on Ed's shoulder. Cold…it was ice cold. Panic shot through his veins like small blades, each sending unbearable pain to his own heart. Edward…was…dead._

_Roy gave his lover a violent shake, hoping--praying--that he would open his lusted golden eyes and grumble curses to him for waking him for his good dream. But, he didn't open his eyes, nor did he get any warmer or even stir. Any signs that he was waking up at all--if even just a bit--didn't show up. Roy began to panic even more has he shook more violently._

_That's when Ed's eyes had shot open. Like the rest of his body, they were cold, crystallized with death. He looked over at the raven-haired man and smiled. Smiled…he didn't smile…he smirked. _

"_What is it Mustang? Can't you let me stay dead without bothering me ever two minutes with your damn fears?" There was no voice, only invisible sentences pouring from his lips. Roy couldn't hear them, or even make out what he was trying to say, but…it was more like he knew this was what Ed would say to him. What he would want to say._

"_Come on, Colonel Mustang…what's the matter? Don't like looking into the face of the man you killed with your own selfish wants? Stupid bastard, you should've learned. Your wants will get you no where but hell."_

_No…what he was…saying was a lie. A LIE! Why would he kill Edward? Why would he kill the only person he loved! Just what did he mean by all this? What had he done to make him act this way! _

_But he couldn't think of this matter for long before Edward gripped his shoulders and drew him close. _

"_Aww…what's the Colonel thinking about now? How he's going to kill me again? Well, lemme tell you, once the living is dead, there isn't anything else you can do about it. The dead will never live again, and you can never take the life of a dead man. Life is a one-way ticket to death. Last stop: hell. You'll be there soon, too. Don't worry. You can finally see the pain and suffering you made me go through, and even experience it yourself. Won't that be fun?"_

_At this point Ed's eyes had rolled into the back of his head, showing only white. Blood tricked from the corner of his mouth and rivulets of it were dripping down his chin. Echoed taunts erupted from those half parted lips, those eerily silent ones that had such much more meaning than spoken ones. _

"_No!" He yelled at him, fear boiling in his veins. "You're not dead…you're right here! You're right in front of me!"_

_Something shook him and he jolted with a start, nearly colliding with the form that loomed shadowed above him. He couldn't see a face, nor could he even tell that it had a face. Fear still shot ice through his body, but it was with this shadow that he realized he had been dreaming._

_Thoughts were put to ease when the dark figure switched on a light, it's warm glow cascading over the blonde above him. He could tell now that his face was twisted with worry, and a frown of disapproval had been stamped on his lips. He had awoken him from his nightmare._

"_Mus--Roy? What's the matter? You were screaming my name in your sleep…"_

"_I-I………"_

_The young blonde placed a hand on the side of his face, trying to comfort him. "Roy…it's okay, I'm here. I'm here."_

_That's when he spilt. The dream, his fear, everything. He told him everything in hopes he'd understand. A long time Edward was silent, which frightened Roy to no end. Fearing he had upset him, Roy apologized to him repeatedly._

"…_You really don't like the silence…but," he paused entwining his free hand with one of Roy's, "you don't have to worry…I'm here for you. And I'll make sure it's never completely quite, okay?"_

_Roy nodded and a quaky breath escaped his throat. Ed kissed him softly, and drew him into a warm embrace, humming softly as he did so. Soon, Roy's eyes fluttered shut but Ed's tuneless song didn't fade until he was asleep._

Roy looked down at the street again, it was so close and so far at the same time. Sure, he could jump and end it right there, but what if Ed regained his memories later on? He would just cause him more pain…something he didn't want to do.

Yet, as long as Ed couldn't remember him or anything for that matter, what did he have to live for? Ed was his life, his everything…and now he was gone because of him.

The zephyrs blew once more, mourning for him with soft wails. They couldn't do anything but that for him. The stars seemed to have heard the cries but they, too, could do nothing but weep. Soon they blinked out and they couldn't do any more for the bleeding sun had arose. And soon everyone would wake. He had little time to think about what he believed he had to do before his chance was gone like the wind and sky.

(Okay…Chappie seven is dooooooone! Yeah…tis kinda sad…and sucky…forgiveness. I hope you enjoy this chapter…cause it was mostly written at four o'clock in the morning…so..I hope it doesn't sound to bad…..Please review if you feel it reviewable. /smiles/ That's all, for now. Happy Thanksgiving' a two days late!

Ele.)


	8. Fate can change

-1The sky was ablaze with fire this particular morning, the palest of yellow bleed into deep oranges and reds he noted as he gaze was drawn to the crimson sun. It was beautiful, it truly was a sight to see if one was blessed enough to have eyes and the sleeping pattern of an owl. Or one who had a bullet embedded in him a few days ago making him stay awake longer and later due to the sharp pains and burning arches that plagued his body. Though he was sort of a night owl anyway, so maybe the wound had nothing to do with him being awake at such an hour. In any case the sun was still rising and he was standing near the window watching it with bright, golden eyes. At that moment the world, most asleep and dreaming, was most at peace. And it seemed nothing could shatter this blissful moment. It was as if…this was all a child's innocent dream.

Oh how he wished that it was all just a fragment of his imagination; a dream. _Or a nightmare,_ he thought to himself bitterly. Even thought nightmares were bad and frightening, you always woke up in the end, did you not? Even if the head of your lover was thrown at your feet, your heart exploding in your chest with fear--it was all fake, something you wouldn't remember all to well in the morning.

Edward pinched himself, winching slightly as he did so. Nope, he didn't wake up--of course he wouldn't. He knew this was reality…_his_ reality. No miracle could save his sorry ass now. He dug his own grave a little too deep and was laying in it.

Sighing, the blonde continued to look out his window, wondering how much time had passed since he had gone on his little suicidal rampage. A week or two at least? Something else tugged at his mind as he stood there: How was Roy doing?

Sure, it had only been a day, maybe two, since he had lied to him. Still, the doctors refused to let him leave the bounders of his room. Then again, he truly had no reason to leave. He was meant to lie here in his deep, little hole to escape all that had happened.

He didn't want to lie to Roy--far from it! Only…he couldn't bring himself to tell his lover that he wanted nothing more for him to be safe. Sighing again, the blonde turned from the window and walked slowly to the door. It was barely sunrise, so maybe he could sneak out of this hell.

Using his flesh hand, Edward opened the door, tensing as it creaked loudly.

_Shit! They're gonna hear me!_

No one came. Nor did it seem that any of the nurses he passed cared that he was wondering about the hospital halls. He walked slowly, as if he knew where he was going. Okay, so he had no idea where Roy was, but, damnit, he was going to find his room and tell him everything. And prayed he would forgive him. If he didn't, Ed had no need to live any longer.

Somehow, in the confusion of his thoughts, Edward wound up on the roof. He stood there, blinking at the sudden brightness and staggered back a bit, his auto-mail foot scrapping on the cement.

"Damn…it's bright out here…," he said as his eyes began to focus. Blinking again, Edward looked around the roof-top. Hell, wasn't like he had anything else to do while he was up here. He walked over to the edge of the building and looked over the edge, at the street below. The sight alone sent a chill down his spine. It was creepy.

"Edward? What are you doing up here," the blonde heard a voice ask from behind him. Turning quickly towards the voice's direction, Ed found himself staring to a hospital garment close to his own. As his eyes shot up to the persons face, he felt his heart race: it was Roy.

_Wh…What the hell? Why is….he…here? _

He cast a glance towards the length of air between the roof and the street below: it was just enough to kill a person if they fell. Roy…was going to kill himself! His plan…all he had tried to do to help Roy, had backfired. It hadn't helped him at all…it only broke him further.

(Yay! _Finally, _another update, ney? Anyway, tis 1:30 in the morrow and I don't wish to spend much more time up. I'm tired, sue me. Back on point (…), I'm sorry to say that this ficcy tis comin' to a close. Probably in the next one or two chappies. For all you guys who've been with me from the beginning, thanks for your reviews and support--for without them, I wouldn't have gotten this far!

Well, here's to another chappy or two!

Ele.)


	9. Realization

-1"What…what are you doing out here," the blonde asked, forcing his voice to steady, a feat harder than it should've been. His golden eyes were trained on Roy as the man walked about, clearly aggravated that Edward decided to show up at that exact moment.

"Enjoying the sunrise," he lied, "What brings you out here, Edward?"

Yes, what _had _ brought him out here this early in the morning? Fate, lover's bond, pure luck? Sadly, Edward didn't have an answer and, instead, looked at the rising sun in silence. He wasn't one to believe in fate and he wasn't a lucky person. That left the lover's bond theory, which was put down as well. The bond between them had broken the second the trigger went off. Didn't it?

Not that it mattered anyway. Edward couldn't pull himself from the grave he dug to tell Roy otherwise. He was lying in the dirt of his sins with 'suicidal murderer' stamped on his forehead in bright, crimson letters. Demons representing self-loathing spat in his face. Wow, what a fun image to think of, what a fun life to lead.

The older man stopped walking around, staring at the younger alchemist. "Is there a reason?" Edward shook his head. Nope, there wasn't a damn reason to why he was out here, but he thanked the power that brought him there. Roy nodded and sat down a few feet from him.

Edward fidgeted uneasily where he stood, shifting the his weight from his flesh leg to his metal one. Roy picked up on this and gestured him to sit down. He did just that, drawling his knees to his chest when he sat.

Seeking refuge from having to tell Roy everything, Ed kept his face hidden. Ed could feel his dark eyes on him, trying to scan his turned face for any emotion whatsoever, only giving up when their owner found the quest a waste of time. What could he do? If he spilt his heart out, Roy might turn on him…

"Edward? Something wrong?"

He shook his head, thinking silently to himself. _Nothing…it's nothing. Oh hell, who am I kidding? Everything is wrong. I almost committed murder _and _suicide…and now…my lover doesn't know that I know about him…and…AAHH! Why did I do this, why, why, why, why?_

"Edward? " Roy had shifted closer to him, in fact his hand was on Edward's shoulder. Amber eyes looked at him sadly, their owner shrugging the comforting hand off. He didn't deserve Roy's kindness, truthfully he didn't even deserve to be this close to his lover. Ed suddenly tensed, remembering something he had forgotten since he had be emitted into the hospital.

Wasn't the whole reason he attempted to kill himself was to escape this very man's clutches. Wasn't he trying to end his own suffering? Didn't…didn't Roy only want him around for sex?

Edward could feel the anger growing in his veins: Roy didn't care if he got better or not…he just wanted to fuck him. A toy, he was just a damn toy! Now that he remembered this, he felt his wound starting to burn. Painfully. Trying to dull the pain, he placed his hand on it only to find it had reopened and it bleeding heavily.

Roy seemed to have picked up on that too, and worry had twisted into his brow. "Edward? Are you alright? The wound…it's reopened."

_No shit, dimwit! Don't you think I've noticed that! _Edward bit his lip to prevent the words from flowing from his lips. How could he have forgotten that he loathed this man's existence? Maybe, he should've let him get the job done, allow him to jump off the side of the building to a bone-breaking death. It's not like _he _would care if Roy was dead….Not anymore at least.

XD…….eh-heh.. Yes, tis a veeeeeeeeeeeeeery short chappy…so sue me! I promise I'll write a longer chapter next time, alright? Anyway, I hope you all like this…please review!

'Member--reviews get cookies!

Ele.


	10. Three lil words

-1Edward grit his teeth together, his face twisting in a grimace of pain and anger. Who the hell was he fooling? Sure wasn't himself--the main person he wanted, needed to fool into blindness. He knew what he thought was a lie--he did love the Colonel, more than he would ever tell or show anyone.

But, were the same feelings felt by Roy? Even with his brow knitted in concern and his obsidian eyes shinning with worry, Edward doubted he did. Maybe, he thought as pain leapt in his heart--and this was the type of pain no bullet could inflict--and as his amber eyes slid closed, he was just another name scrawled in that man's little black book. Another person he could brag about fucking. Nothing more than a name and a date, was that all he meant to this dark haired man looming in front of him?

_What the hell…have I gotten myself into? _

"Edward! Edward," Roy was calling his name out with the same concern and worry his face had foretold, but, it seemed so…rehearsed. As if Roy had expected all this to happen, as if he was the signal for his wound to reopen and he was therefore ready with a fake sympathy act.

_Go ahead, Colonel, go right on ahead. Act it out for the people in your head to see and hear, play the role of the concerned lover. While you do that, I'll just sit here and _hope _someone comes and whisks me back into the hospital, where my wounds will be treated and my name not screamed._

"Edward, please, say something! Edward!" He just didn't know when to give up, did he? Edward could feel the blood soaking through his clothes now, and his head felt lighter than usual. And what did the man do? Scream his freakin' name as if it would call the power of heaven down to heal him…

Then, all went quite. A minute passed, two. Three. Ten, they flew by. The pain was starting to fade, but the blood kept oozing from the bullet wound. By the time Edward had opened his eyes to glare at the obsidian-eyed man, a large pool of it surrounded his entire body. Heart leaping again, Edward lowered his gaze. He couldn't stand to see Roy in the state he was in.

Roy had his head burred in his hands, his body shaking. Edward caught his small mutterings, "Please….say something. Say something. Saysomethingsaysomethingsaysomethingsaysomething…"

Edward was tempted--so very tempted--to place his hand on his shoulder to comfort him, to tell him not to worry. He wanted to say something to calm his fears, but the words were trapped in his throat. This was just like the dream he had had the last few weeks. It was almost the same exact thing…

---_Edward lay in his hospital bed, his wound was pulsing with pain and he couldn't sleep._ _He tossed and turned, trying to find a position that would tame the burning flame his injury shot throughout his body. No such luck came to him._

_But, while he was lying there, he heard something. A voice, familiar and soothing. It told him that his wound would heal and the pain would ebb…but only if he accepted what he didn't want to accept. Only thing he had to do to free himself form pain was to say what he forbade himself to say. Either say it and accept it, or suffer for the rest of your pathetic life, the voice went on._

_"Do you choose to end your suffering or do you choose not only to keep it alive, but to infect others with it? What you choose to do will change the lives of everyone close to you, everyone you hold most dear…"_

_Edward opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He had no voice to say want he wanted to, what he needed to. He felt the voice's owner leave after a while, fed up with waiting. Apparently, the voice had said before it evaporated with the shadows, you choose to die lonely, and in pain. Those around you will share the same fate as you._

_And with horror, Ed realized who the voice belonged too. It was his own voice.---_

He always woke up right after that, shaking and in a cold sweat. And for the first few moments afterwards, the only thing he would hear was silence. A bleeding silence that, in the short time it occurred, drove him near to insanity. That's what Roy was going through, Edward realized. This man feared the silence just as much as he. With sickening guilt, Ed was also aware that _he _was the one to inflict it onto him.

It was his fault.

And with three little, microscopic words…he could end the silence forever. The silence everyone fears--the silence of the heart. However, Fate is cruel to those most in need of it's power, and as Edward fell back onto the roof, did he need that power the most.

Xxx---xxX

Screaming in a thick mixture of fright, pain, and confusion, Edward shoot up from his bed, tearing at the covers. He couldn't stop until he felt someone's firm, warm hands on his shoulders. Edward looked up, seeing who held him back from destroying his hospital room.

One of the doctors from when he first arrived smiled down at him. His name was forgotten now, but Edward recognized the face and eased up a bit, letting his hands--which were knotted in the bed sheets--cup his head. Body shaking, Edward started to mumble what he had wanted to say to Roy before he passed out. The words that would end his pain…and Roy's.

"I love you, I love you. Roy….I love you…."

* * *

…eh-heh…it's longer…AND here faster. REJOICE IN YOUR MERRIMENT! And praise me! ., jokin', jokin'.

Till next time, me reviewers.

Ele.


	11. A new sun

"I love you, I love you….Oh God, Roy….I love you…"

The doctor whom had grabbed his arm and shook him awake, now smiled softly, his dark eyes were burning with softness and something Ed could only classify as some type of wisdom. Edward's body melted from its tense state at the sight of such kindness. He didn't know why, by the felt as if a lead weight had been lifted from his heart and the sea of churning emotions had calmed. He finally said how he felt, finally came to terms with his love. Now, if only Roy had heard those three little words…

Doctor What's-his-face let go of Ed's arm so suddenly, it took him a minute to realize he was now making his way towards the window instead of standing, clutching his arm. With a gentle heave, the doctor raised the window up. Gold light immediately spilled from the sky, matching Ed's hair and red-rimmed eyes, illuminating his automail ever so brightly; he seemed more like a God than a mere mortal.

"Edward…" The doctor paused, taking in a deep breath, released it, and then gestured out the window at the rising sun. "Tell me something. Does the sun seem closer?"

Ed stared at him, then out the window. He didn't understand, '_Does the sun seem…closer_'…. _Not really….Not really…it's the same distance as it's always been…._Blinking his eyes twice, Ed scanned the sky once more, darting his eyes over the sun for a few seconds.

"No…but it seems a bit brighter…"

"Hmmm….like a fog that had settled over it had diminished, leaving the sun free to cast its golden rays?"

Once more Edward blinked. He had no idea why this doctor--he should really ask for his name--was asking him such inane questions….and about the freaking sun, no less.

"Um…sure?"

The doctor chuckled. "Confused, are we?"

"Pretty much, yeah. The hell you going on about the sun for?"

He walked from the window, leaving it open so a gentle breeze that had just danced in was allowed to caress faces and tease hair. The blonde watched as the older man ran a hand through his hair, promptly messing it up a bit in the process. Gentle brown eyes gazed at him for a moment before flashing back to the window.

"A figure of speech, Ed. Usually, when a person comes to face the feeling they so desperately kept buried under doubt, the world seems like its new, crisper. Even the sun seems like it's possible to grab. Nothing is out of reach, even the sun, make sense?"

_Oh, _Ed thought as he placed his automail hand over his heart, _the smothering pressure I felt did disappears…That's the same thing, isn't it?_

"Um…Doctor--er--"

"Just call me Mark, no need for the doctor title," he replied, beaming.

"Okay…_Mark_." The doc--Mark smiled in reply. "Sure, it makes sense…but, I don't understand how you or why you would want to talk about something like that _now_ of all times."

The breeze died, and Mark's smiled faded. An awfully pale hand snaked though burnt umber hair, ruffling it more than Edward had ever seen it before. Suddenly worried he said something offensive; he looked away from him, muttering almost silent apologizes under his breath.

"It's alright, Ed. No biggie." A nerve twitched in the blonde's forehead. Surely, Mark wasn't cracking a small joke. "Well…to tell you the truth….I envy you."

Edward stared, confused, but said nothing, waiting for the doctor to continue whatever he was going on about. He didn't have to wait long.

"You see, Edward, I was in the same situation as you are…well…_were _in. I was in love with some pretty girl, she hated me of course…but I thought…that if I just told her how I felt, she'd come out and return my own feelings." Mark heaved a sigh, fisting his hair in a bout of frustration. Edward remain silent, intent on hearing the rest of the story. "After four months I finally, finally, gathered my courage and told her….You know what she said?"

"No…what?"

"She told me she felt the same way about me….Funny, hm? I waited so long, yet if I would've just said something sooner…I would've been so much happier. Sound familiar, doesn't it?"

Edward looked away, fisting his own hands into the bed sheets. Yes, it did….But, even so, Ed doubted Roy felt they same about him.

"You'll never know unless you tell him, Ed. Roy might just feel the same about you." Smiling widely, he dropped his hand to his side, watching for any change in Ed's expression.

"Wait…You said…you envied me…Why so?"

Mark nodded, more to himself than anyone. "Yeah… Well, you see. I waited too long to tell her…and she died three weeks afterwards."

Edward's body tensed, his amber eyes filled with glassy tears. Died? Nevertheless, Roy was different. Roy was a God, he couldn't die…It just wasn't possible. However, the thought of his God actually returning his feelings of utmost love made his mortal stomach flutter with wispy butterflies.

"He does love you, you just don't realize it." Cursing this man's mind reading abilities, Ed sent daggers his way, hoping so badly for him to just die right there. Why did Mark even care? This was none of his business anyway.

Ignoring the glare with a warming smile, Mark chuckled. He seemed a bit too kind, some façade he designed to cover his darkened past? The butterflies exploded. Was this the image of Ed himself in the near future?

"The hell do you mean? Roy can't possibly love me; you stupid doctor….He's….He's Roy Mustang, hero of the Rebellion, the legendary Flame Alchemist. He could have any woman he wants…Why in fuck's name would he settle for someone as lowly as me?"

"Because, Love is much more powerful than you think."

"Oh, shut up! You don't know anything!" Edward now shook, rage flaring up in his very blood. How _dare _this man…how fucking _dare _he.

Mark sighed and shook his head. "Roy has a tear in his abdomen, very life-threating. Surprised he even lived. Yet, do you know the first thing he did when he woke up? Do you, Edward?"

"No, what the hell did he do? Blame me for being so damn suicidal!"

"He tried to come and see you, remember? But what the hell did you do? Ignored him! Did you not even hear him singing out his love out to you!"

* * *

Yeah…took me forever, ney? Rest assured, your dear author was just--er--lazy. Eh-heh….well, that and I'm more into Harry Potter right now. Wheet for RemusxSirius. Anyway, I've promised myself that I must finish this…so, it what I'm going to work on, kay?

Meh to me for writing such a sucky chappy…tis been three months sense I even tried to type some crap-I-call-fanfiction up. Please review, though, so at least I'll feel happy for spending five hours on this chappy.

See ya soon (I promise!)

--Ele.


	12. How did you do it the first time

Roy bit back a growl. His head was spinning and his heart pulsed with hurt, but he wasn't yet ready to disgrace himself. Yet, as stated, _yet._ Which seemed odd, for wasn't he just standing on top of the hospital with every intension of committing suicide? Was he not still in love with the man who forgot everything about their relationship…?

He sighed, suddenly aware that growling at a doctor, who was intentionally winding the bandages too tight, was the least of his workload of worries. It balanced dangerously on the top, swaying the pile a bit, but it could be maintained, for now.

Soon, thankfully soon, the doctor quoted his usual "Stay out of trouble, Colonel. Honestly, people would think military personnel behaved…" as he left the room. Finally, after shrugging the words away, Roy was allowed to sink into the wave of free time and think.

There was something teething at the back of his mind, and it liked, which it continually did, to nip at his brain as it grew. That was what bore his headache, that he was sure, even more-so when he tried to shift through the thoughts.

They were mostly hazy and fragmented and lacked any sense whatsoever. In fact, the only comprehendible information sprouting for the gumming monster was a name. And that, clear as it was, didn't add up to anything, especially Edward's amnesia and Roy's broken heart.

_Jean Havoc._

He rolled onto his side, frowning. Just where in the hell did Havoc fit into all this? Was he even important at all, or was the monster in his mind just playing more tricks on him?

To be truthful, something that grew tiresome to do, Havoc had helped Roy out on several occasions, even saved his life once or twice. But he was a failure at women and any dating topics whatsoever, which was what Roy needed close to more than he needed Edward's memory back. Still, he had nothing too important to do, so perhaps he would phone him later. Just to see what he was doing…or, if casual conversations died, if Havoc could indeed help out. Even a tiny bit would spark hope in Roy's chest again.

The monster settled, apparently satisfied with this decision, just when the door to Roy's room cracked open. Onyx eyes trailed to it lazily, not really caring who was going to stick a needle into him this time. They shot open, however, when they saw the most unlikely person standing there.

"Jean?!"

"Yo." Jean replied with a smile, unlit cigarette perching on his lip. He walked in, closing the door behind him, and took a seat next to the Colonel's bed. "Hawkeye sent me. Said something about checking up on you after what happened."

To say the least, Roy was shocked, and a wee bit appalled his subordinates didn't visit him until now. He opened his mouth to say something about the matter, but he was cut off when Havoc continued talking.

"Yeah, yeah." He started, eyeing the look on Roy's face with another smile and a quirk of a handsome eyebrow. "Hawkeye also told me to apologize for not visiting sooner. Ya'know, with you gone, the paperwork has gone through the roof. We're all trying our best, but we're still only about half-way through with it." He gave the Colonel a wink. "And you and your _girl_ trouble. Geez, that's where most of it came from."

"…So, you know?" Roy asked, his voice betraying the façade he tried to hide behind.

Jean blinked. "_Everyone_ knows now, Roy. It was all in the newspaper, on the radio, _everywhere_. What kind of sedatives they givin' you?"

Suddenly, Roy didn't feel so good. Not only was it against the military's rules to have a relationship with other people in the military, but it was a huge mistake to be _gay_. He gave his forehead a smack, and the creature awoke again. Which was _just great _when your world was crumbling.

"So everyone knows that--"

"You were shot by Ruby, one of your former girlfriends, after dumping her." Havoc grinned, apparently loving the weird mix of relief and curiosity the spread over Roy's face.

"How did you pull that off?" An honest question. Roy and Ed were sent to the same hospital, during the same day. That had to ignite questions.

"Simple. We treated you in a military hospital a bit away and Ed was sent here immediately. Hawkeye managed, don't ask me how, to change the dates on the files. Ed, according to the medical files, has been here for over a week. And you, well…nothing was changed in your records."

A wave of…God, Roy didn't know what spread over him. He felt as if he could walk right into Edward's room, kiss him deeply, and everything would be alright. The youth would remember everything, would forgive Roy, would even kiss him back to prove it was all right. Roy also felt as if he should thank Havoc and everyone that helped him and Edward. Which, he thought a while later, was exactly what he was going to do.

Then a thought struck him. What if their loyalty…wavered because of Roy's…erm…sex interest?

"Havoc? I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Do you…um, think lower of me because I'm in love with Edward?"

"Hm…" Jean lit his cigarette as he shook his head. "Why would I? I mean, now I get a chance at all the girls you won't go out with!"

Laughter exploded from both their throats. What Havoc said was true, and that made both of them feel better. Roy for his subordinates still followed him loyally, and Jean for his new catalog of female dating potentials.

They talked for a while, about stupid things as men so often find themselves doing, and neither noticed when the door opened for a second time.

"Oh! Colonel Mustang, you have a visitor?"

The men turned around, acknowledging the newest addition to the room. What greeted them, to much of Havoc's delight and Roy's dismay, was a nurse. A blonde, big-breasted cliché of a nurse who's name was Sally.

She made her way over to him, her strides tiny as if to prolong what Roy knew was coming. Havoc, who watched her with half-lidded eyes, didn't seem to notice or mind when Sally paid no attention to him. She sat down on Roy's bedside, gently cupping his cheek with a fine manicured hand.

"Aren't you going to introduce us?"

"Yes Roy, are you?" Jean asked, starry-eyed.

The raven-haired man sighed. "Sally, Jean. Jean, Sally. Now, past that. Time for my shots, isn't it?"

She nodded. "And you check-up, dearest!"

Roy merely grimaced. "Great…"

After an hour, Sally stood up, smiling at Roy with highly glossed lips. "All good, hun. You should be out of here soon if you keep up as you have."

"Good to know. I'll try." _It's a bit hard with a broken heart…but, I'll try. _

She gave him a sharp nod, then started to walk away. "Oh!" Sally turned to Havoc; it wasn't hard to see the joy in his eyes. She just plucked the newest joint out of his mouth. "No smoking, sir! Thank you." Then she left, but not without a wink aimed at Roy.

"Nevermind, I totally hate you. You're gay, yet all the women still hit on you!"

Roy chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry. Can't be helped. I _am_ good-looking."

"Would Edward say that? You pedophilic queer?"

"Heh…maybe…" Ah, the monster, who was resting, awoke and started to scream at him. Fun.

Jean took a cigarette out from his pocket. He didn't care what some bitch nurse said, he was going to smoke, damnit! "Hm? Maybe? Aren't you guys, ya'know, still together?"

Roy shook his head. "No…Edward's forgotten everything."

Luckily, Havoc hadn't yet lit the joint, so it left not a burn on him when it fell from his mouth. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Edward…can't remember anything? At all?"

"So it would seem…I went to see him in his room one night."

He shrugged off Havoc's "pervert" and continued. "To see if he was doing alright…He didn't even recognize me, Havoc. I was just a nameless person in his room when he woke up…Do you know how much that hurt?"

"No…but, damn, it sounds harsh. Any hope of him remembering you? Ever?"

Roy shrugged. "I don't know…I'm afraid the answer will be no….So, I was thinking…maybe I have to make him fall in love with me again."

Jean nodded. "Makes sense. Can you do it though?"

"I really don't know…"

"Well…how'd you do it the first time?"

* * *

Oi-vey …./kills self/ I'm so uber sorry for messing this all up. I accidentally posted the 13th chapter over this…thus deleting it. Took me forever to find it and even longer to actually have a chance to re-post this back up (there was sooooo many viruses on my computer…I couldn't pull up the internet half the time).

But, here it is…good as it'll ever be.

Sorry again, me fans….if I still have any out there.

-- Ele.


	13. You're joking, right?

A/N: SORRY!!! I'M SO SORRY/glomps fan-base/ Please don't hate me…

* * *

Roy Mustang was never one to believe in time machines or bends in the space-time continuum that could transport him back to a time spent long ago. He never took thrill in reading those type of books. Mystery novels and the occasional military or alchemy reference book were all that lined his shelves at home and in office. No--he could not even dwell on the possibility that such a wonder _could _exist.

He had theories.

It would disrupt the balance of life and death, cause them to merge, to separate entirely. Make it so life was impossible and death never happen, making aging go backward instead of forward. Perhaps that was why whatever higher being decided to create the universe planted a toned down version of a time travel device in every mortal. In the minds of child and adult alike.

Black eyes closed to the painful world, slowly ebbing from it. Until, that is, a voice called to him in worry.

"Col.? What're ya doing," Jean asked gently, blowing a stream of blue smoke from his nose.

"Activating my time-machine," Roy explained, his eyes remaining closed.

Though he couldn't see it, Roy could hear Jean take a slow drag of his joint. The burn of smoke drifted back over his nostrils moments later.

"You've gone mental on me, haven't you?" Another drag--_He must be stressed, this is his fifth cigarette since he's been here…_--and blew the smoke from his mouth in a lazy fog."Hate to break it to you, but there's no big alien thing in here that's gonna take you back a year or so."

"I know that," his retort was slightly irritant, but he continued on despite the slight grumble he heard from Havoc. "I don't need a machine, exactly. No one does if you think about it--we're all born with something to send us back; kind of like we're all born with a part of the Gate of Truth within us."

Jean twisted the blunt of his joint on the windowsill, smothering the embers with brick before flicking it outside. "Explain."

"It's our memory."

"Our memory…? Oh!" He reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, noticed it was empty, crumpled it up and tossed it out the window with a slight frown. "You mean it like, since we can just go back and remember, it's just like going back in time?"

"Without complicated machinery and manuals."

Jean nodded, "Then travel. I have to go anyway. I'll visit you later."

Roy was already back to a year earlier than that, back when Ed still remembered him loved him.

He hadn't heard Jean at all.

* * *

The smell of burning cedar clung in the air, thick as if a blanket of it was draped over his face. It almost choked him.

He unconsciously rubbed his middle finger and thumb together. No friction, no spark. A sigh of relief brushed past his lips--this was not his doing.

A boy stood at his side, to the left, wearing a frown that could make the Gods quake. It merely made him smile, _he _would never fear the boy's lips. Frowning _or_ smirking.

"Gahh!" The boy kicked a chunk of blackened stone into a nearby jut of rock. Once it collided, it broke into too many pieces to count. Roy quirked an elegant eyebrow; for any normal man, that kick would have broken bones. Then again, Ed wasn't a normal boy.

"There's no need for that, Fullmetal. The building has burnt down, there's nothing we can do to change that." His eyes scanned over the small house that once stood there and sighed. Bring on the paperwork and coffee--thank God no one died.

The blonde huffed, clearly pissed that the arsonist had passed by him once again. Roy couldn't help but smirk at him. He found his determination adorable.

Adorable?

The smirk fell from his lips as Ed turned to face him, cheeks huffed and chest swelled with pending rage.

"Yeah, well, fuck it. That stupid bastard's just pissing out gasoline and throwing matches to get his high off on fire. You'd _think_ it'd be easier to find someone, even after he sent in warning notes." Ed scoffed, kicking another rock. This one hit what remained of a wall; it crumpled like it was made of mud and not stone.

He sighed once more as he ran an ungloved hand through his onyx locks. "Please don't be so loud…And stop causing more damage to the already damaged property. I've got enough paperwork to complete without you adding more to the growing workload."

Ed just smirked. "You won't do it until last minute anyway, Col. Procrastinator."

Roy rolled his eyes, turning on his heel as he started to walk back to HQ. Ed followed him, grinning as if the triumph with his alone. Little did Edward know, though, was that Roy had let him win.

It took less then ten minutes to get back to Central HQ, and another three before they were back in his office. But, due to the heat and the overwhelming scorch of his lungs from ash, it felt much longer.

The fact that twin golden suns bore in his back didn't help either.

He suddenly felt itchy, like someone had stitched the inside of his uniform with thistle, or poured some joke store itching power on him. He was also fearing his hair looked a terrible mess from when he had ran his hand through it. Yet, he didn't know why. Was he trying to impress someone? The only other one in the room was Edward. And Roy had looked far worse than this in his presence.

Edward plopped down onto the Col.'s couch, crossing flesh leg over auto-mail. "What're you lookin' at?"

He was staring at him?

He cast his eyes aside, but he remained standing where he was. After shoving both of his hands into his pockets, Roy went to the window and asked his reflection. "You want something to drink while you're here?"

"Nah. I'm not thirsty. Thanks though."

Roy nodded, suddenly feeling awkward.

He had been in the same room with Edward countless times before. Sometimes it was just the two of them, other times his subordinates were there and other times still Alphonse would stand beside his brother in silent thought. Why was it now that he had to have such twisted and rather inappropriate thoughts containing the boy?

He reasoned long ago that his fondness for Edward was beyond what it should be, and would even dare to call in love. Even though the years had dulled his sense of the word.

And that's were his dismay came from. Despite knowing his feelings true, he had no idea how to confess them. He didn't even know if it would be a wise thing to do. After all, if Edward refused, he could easily throw a whole bunch of lawsuits at him with a flick of his pretty wrist.

Possibility wise, Roy doubted that Ed even liked him in the same way. He was a boy who hadn't lived quite fully yet. Roy, on the other hand, had seen his fair share of the world and already he wanted it to end. Roy was old, Ed was young--the negative points of his logic kept building.

He stared hard out the window, thinking about all his possibilities.

So far, he had only three.

1) He could confess and pray nothing ill came from it.

2) He could wait until Ed came to him with a confession of his own.

3) He could just move on to someone else.

He sighed, fisting his hands in his pockets. He liked none of those options.

Suddenly, his back arched--there was a hand pressed to the curve of his spine. Obsidian eyes turned to look at the reflection of shining metal in the window. And his own face in surprise. What was--?

"Col….Why are you so quiet?" His voice was soft, like the words were meant for Al. Even his touch was gentle - it was making Roy feel guilty, this side of Edward wasn't meant for him. No matter how much he craved it.

So, he spun around quickly, catching Ed's wrist in his hand before he had the chance to snatch it away. He was sure his eyes glinted with ice, instead of their usual warmth, but he couldn't change that.

Edward didn't seem to notice, or he really didn't care.

"I've seen the way you look at me. I've noticed the way you grow all fidgety around me too." A slow grin spread across his face. "What would the military think if they found out you get all hot and bothered over a teenager? Not to mention the fact I'm in the military too - do you know how many laws and morals you'd break by just _touching_ me?"

_Yes, actually. Which is why I've done nothing but sit around and pray for your safety…make sure you remained _alive_ while being under my command. _

Still, he didn't like the way the words clung to the air. He already knew of all the circumstances…yet, hearing them aloud was like a blow to the chest - a knife twisting steadily in his stomach.

Edward smiled still as he pulled his hand from the Colonel's grasp. "I could destroy you, you'know…" He spoken that too quietly to be a threat…It seemed as if he was feeling _pity_ for him.

Roy blinked. Still, he said nothing in defense.

"So why?" Golden eyes glared at him in a way he understood as in concern and not in rage. Roy could see the poorly hidden flame of worry flicking in their depths.

"Why, what?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about!" His voice broke, Roy found himself frowning at him. Did he care that much…?

Chewing the inside of his cheek, Roy tried to think of the unasked question. _Why _do_ I love him? I can't remember when I fully understood it to be love…was it ever anything less? Have I always been in love with him?_

His head hurt. His heart hurt. His stomach hurt.

His happiness; his job; perhaps his _life._ He couldn't fuck this one up. He couldn't if he wanted to survive.

"Well," Ed snapped, growing impatient. Any other moment Roy would've chuckled at such a childish display - right now though, he probably would've puked if he attempted it.

A sigh passed his lips as he pressed back against the window, he could feel the cold glass against his back. It was a comforting contrast to the heated atmosphere of the room.

"…Why do I love you…? Simple, really." That was a lie, but no matter. "I just do."

"That's not good enough! Why would you even _risk_ falling in love with me?!"

"Because," he said softly, giving Ed a faint smile, "that's what love is. You cannot control it, you can only just ride it out, see where it takes you. If being in love with you makes me lose my job, my good name in the entire country, or even my freedom, so be it! I don't give a damn. All I care about is _you_."

Edward stared at him blankly; Roy continued on.

"When you're in love, you sacrifice any and _every_thing for that person. It doesn't matter the circumstances that threaten the relationship, if there's true commitment in your heart, you'll find that you could careless about what happens to you. You only worry for the safety of the one you cherish so much."

"But you could be _killed_!"

Roy snorted. "So? I've been in worse situations where my life clearly lay in the palms of some other person's hands. And I'm still standing here today."

"A simple kidnapping and hostage scenario is completely different then what we're talking about right now--"

"Is it? I think not."

Edward grit his teeth, grinding them slowly. "Yeah, yeah. Don't give me this 'your loved one's always try to save you' lecture shit. I don't care if they _do_ tie in together - just drop it."

"You're the one who brought it up," he said smoothly, keeping his eyes on Edward. The latter twitched in anger.

"SHUT UP! I know that I did! I just…I mean….GAH!"

"Flustered?"

"Shut up!" Golden eyes narrowed. "I want you to stop it….I want you to stop loving me before something happens to you. I don't want you freaking death or fall from grace resting on my already burdened shoulders."

There was a moment of silence that passed between them. Yet, as always, it never lasted long.

"Wait," Roy spoke suddenly, the realization dawning on him, "are you _worried_ about me?"

Unmistakably, a pink blush swept over Edward's cheeks. His eyes narrowed even more, the glint of them losing much of their pervious harshness.

"N-no! Don't think that I would even care if you just fell off the face of the Earth! You just misinterpreting my concern over my own well-being for _your_ well-being."

Roy reached out for him, grabbing gently onto his arm. The blonde blanched, the sudden color gone as fast as it came.

"Do you love me? Edward?"

He shook his head as he tried to pull his arm away. "L-let go of me…or I'll scream pedophile."

"Will you really? Or is that just a half-assed threat?"

Edward didn't say anything back. Instead he stood as still as a doll, his eyes like glass as they peered off into space. Roy's heart would've leapt for joy, for the sheer possibility, but he knew it would do no good. The chances were so slim…And Ed could just start screaming right now and send him into a shit-load of trouble.

The Colonel sighed inwardly. He dared to think that something _right_ was going to happen in his life for just a split second, and _this_ is what happened afterwards.

Mental note - never get optimistic again. Never.

Sure, Edward could scream right now, cause an uproar and eventually get Roy thrown into jail. But, he doubted the boy would do that. There was something wrong with the way he was acting. If Ed really was going to send him off to his death, he would've done it a lot sooner.

Even though the chance was slim, Roy decided to give a sudden idea a shot at the open and silent air.

"Would you try it?"

Blonde brows knitted in temporary confusion. "Try…what? A relationship with you?" He shook his head, and Roy wasn't surprised in the least. "I can't….I don't want you to get hurt by all this. It'll just cause a mess for you…"

"I see."

Silence. God, how he hated the silence. You never knew what lie in wait - something deadly, that craved blood and angst or perhaps something good was lounging in it, counting the moments until it would burst forth merrily to make everything alright.

By how everything was going, Roy was looking forward to seeing the first of those. A beast was sure to be hidden somewhere - and he could sense it had an appetite for his heart.

Unless….Wait.

Roy blinked, then blinked again as he drew Edward a step closer. "Wait a minute. I've asked you once before, but I'll try it again. For the hell of it. Do you love me, Edward?"

"Goddamnit! Yes! I love you! Now will you please get over this? I really don't want you to get--"

But, he was unable to finish his statement. Roy had pulled him closer while he spoke, and now, after the words finally left his throat, he had kissed him.

* * *

Why?

I don't remember…

What did I do to make him try to commit suicide?

…

…

…

Except…

Wait a minute…that…that wasn't how it happened…

* * *

Oh Jesus…I've made you wait half-a-year for this (and then some more time thanks to me stupidity: for details seek the A/N at the bottom of chapter 12) ….At least I made it long!!

-hides-

Damnit…I'm sorry…I kinda just felt so blah about this story and couldn't find the Muse I needed to write it. But, luckily for you, after two weeks and many, many frappuccinos, I've found it!

Apparently, my Muse loves coffee. Who knew?

Anyway, I won't promise anything for the next chapter.

No, I don't know what's going to happen next _(or do I?). _  
No, I don't know when I'll update. (_Perhaps after I write the next chapter to Lapse, my HP fanfic_?)  
No, I really dunno if Roy and Ed will ever get back together. (_Hm…that's a lie, they totally will_.)

And, finally, _no_, I don't know why I said this was gonna end five chapters ago. Guess I was bored of it or something. Meh, whatever. -smile-

Anywho, I hope you enjoyed it, review, all the other stuff I usually put at the end of a chapter. Love you! And remember:

Wash your socks.

-shrug- Ancient wisdom doesn't have to make sense.

I'm just ranting now..

_Hopefully_, I will see you soon. My love goes out to you, those who are my loyal and patient fans! -glomps loyal fan-base-

Ele.


End file.
